Sunday, August 15, 2010

one foot in and one foot back. it don't pay to live like that. a lot. i actually really hate it. unpacking is my favorite. getting everything settled in and in its permanent place seems to ease my anxiety. putting things where they go is a big help for me, because i don't do well with transition whatsoever. even the drive to waco, to a school i adore, makes me incredibly nervous and i find myself second guessing myself and debate whether or not to turn around. i have a ginormous fear of the unknown. even if its a safe situation, even if i've planned out every aspect, it makes me nervous. i don't know why, but as soon as i get there and get settled in, the worst case scenario feelings start to melt. i can get through a lot once i get there, but the transition leads me to second guess everything. since i'm about to be in transition it has me thinking about transition in a lot of different contexts of my life. like sophomore year, not as epic as like senior year, but i'm not new anymore. i'm expected to know what i'm doing and where i'm going. i'm expected to be more intelligent, more savvy, more plugged in. more mature, more i dunno whatever. people might ask me for advice or directions, i'm supposed to have the inside information, because i'm not new. i've experience a whole year of baylor culture. i'm not supposed to be finding my footing anymore. i feel like i'm climbing up a steal wall in flip flops. i have no traction, and no stability in sight. i don't know why this is making me so nervous. i love baylor so much and i had such an amazing first year. i am super excited about seeing friends and getting back into being at baylor, i just seem to be uneasy about it as well. i think its because, i've gotten comfortable here. all summer i've been aching to go back to baylor, begging and pleading the calendar to change to august 19th so i could leave. and now that its next week...i've put off packing..i've put off doing anything that advances the ball. i'm comfortable. i have my routines here, i have my family and that awesome safety net where you can still run to mom and dad and have them hold you and tell you everything is going to be okay. this sounds dumb, but when you're me ha, having your parents go to your doctors appointments with you, esp. when you have old lady organs like me, really comforts me. it makes me feel like whatever i'm going through, whatever medical crap i'm dealing with, that someone is there to experience it with me, someone is there to ask the intelligent questions when i feel defeated by yet another medical problem, to talk you through it and hold your hand. but i'm almost 20...eek. my parents won't be coming to my doctors appointments forever. but right now, they're here. and i'm comfortable. i have a job thats bearable and doesn't require too much thinking (nannying). its not my favorite thing in the world, and i'm pretty sure i'm never ever ever gonna have kids after this summer, but i'm comfortable there. i've had a summer where i didn't have to do much and just got to relax, and i'm not really ready to give it up and go back. and with that i ask, how is it possible to truly be comfortable in any aspect of life when you have one thing that works but you are constantly striving for something more? we are so insatiable...but shouldn't we be? why should we settle for anything? why shouldn't we want more? but we should also be content and appreciative of what we have. how can i ever be comfortable for any extended period of time? its all gonna change again, because i'm constantly looking for more. i'm not even talking about material things. being at home is comfy. i don't have to make a lot of effort and i like spending my days like this. but i'm also striving to go back and succeed at baylor and mold myself educationally and spiritually into a person that can affect change. i am confident that i have good qualities in my personality..somewhere down there ha..but i'm always striving to be a better person. do more, be more, love more, laugh more, change more, help more. pray more. care more. but i'm no slouch as of right now. i just don't understand how to go about being comfortable with change, without feeling like i'm never going to be settled. i love having everything in its place, but am i ever going to find a place to put everything?