Monday, July 19, 2010

i don't even know.

i'm gonna stop trying to find whatever i'm looking for. the seeking process isn't going anywhere good. i'm looking to find more meaning or more i don't even know, hence the title. but whatever it is i'm gonna stop. i'm going to focus on school, getting good grades, starting LSAT prep (its never too early), figuring out if i want to do a major switch or stick with lit, getting better study habits. i'm gonna focus on my friends and maintaining my relationships and making new ones, i'm gonna focus on my sorority and how to best serve my fellow adpi's and enjoy the company of some truly fantastic ladies. i'm gonna focus on immersing myself in the baylor culture and taking advantage of everything it has to offer. i'm not looking for any kind of romantic entanglements, i need to be on my own for a while and figure myself out. i guess i've been telling myself that i need to do this, but i'm going to do it.

its kind of scary to close off the romantic aspect of my life and try and not hope for the possibility of more, but its really what i need to do or i won't be the best me i can. it took me a long time to learn that you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of other people. its a difficult choice for me, i always want to help everyone else with their problems. their problems i can help with, easy breezy, i'm happy to be there for them, if it means i don't have to be there for myself and can focus on someone else's issues. i'm a legit procrastinator in all aspects of life. i put off studying, exercising, dealing with logistics, getting things, done, dealing with my problems, sometimes eating if i'm too lazy to move, getting out of bed, getting to class, caring about my appearance, anything but sleep, i procrastinate. the time is now, at least for this problem. so here it goes, if you have in advice for being single without being lonely, i'm all ears.

on a side note, my princess Hute, my doggie has a hot spot, where she has an itch in her leg and can't stop chewing on it until its completely raw, which is obviously bad. so i spent the night downstairs with her on the couch making sure she didn't bite at the bandages. took her into the vet this morning and my poor precious baby has to have a cone for 5 days. my mom couldn't stand to put her in the plastic one, so she went and bought and inflatable one that isn't so encompassing and looks like those neck pillows that people use on airplanes. poor baby its so hot outside.

hope you're having a relaxing break! i'm so excited that i move in to my apartment in one month!!! i can't wait to be back at baylor.

taking things a day at a time.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

i am changing, trying everything i can, i am changing, i'll be better than i am

thats a line from dreamgirls, the musical, which describes me pretty well right now, or at least what i'm attempting..i saw dreamgirls tonight with my parents, and it was awesome. i'm always amazed when i've seen the movie of a musical and then the show on stage, and how creative they have to be to get the same effect. thats why i love theater, you have to be creative and talented enough to be able to be convincing in one take as a whole different person. its so epic. it tends to get me thinking about my own life, or maybe when 12:50 comes around i start thinking about my blog, because i started it when i was having serious sleeping problem. so here i am needing to be asleep so i can get up for church in the morning, with a headache, probably from thinking, writing yet another entry in the blog. most times i have no idea what i'm going to write when i click "new post", i just figure i haven't probably evaluated my life much this week so when i start writing, my feelings and thoughts come out without much prodding, which is nice...sometimes. i feel kinda lost right now, in a lot of areas. a fair amount has happened since my last post. my brother graduated from northwestern university with a b.s. in journalism and is settled a liking his job in arizona a lot. i couldn't be more proud of him. the courage it takes to close a huge chapter of your life and dive into the next one with an open mind takes a super duper sense of self and i really respect him for taking advantage of all of his opportunities. we had a great weekend with our family and it was just a great trip, but the family's last hurrah all together as the family i've known for 19 years. but change is inevitable and he's moving on to great things, so i'm trying my hardest to look at it like a positive. its difficult when mom has moved all of the taxes stuff into his room to the point where you can't even walk in the door. but anyways

i feel lost intellectually for a start, i'm considering a change in majors from english lit to social work, but i'm taking a class in social work before i decide, but thats not all of it. i spend my days with two 4 year olds and a 6 year old and i feel like my brain is turned to mush, its literally difficult for me to have a conversation with a "grown up" without stumbling and stuttering like an idiot because i'm not used to using normal words with normal sentences. i work hard enough at academics without slipping into toddler speech. i just feel like i should be doing something intellectual, which i guess will help me have a positive attitude about school, until like wednesday when i realize...its school.

i'm lost emotionally in the transition after my first year of college. i don't know what to feel anymore, and with medication its not super much of an option ha so i guess thats kinda taken care of for me. i'm having awkward interactions with my parents who are still trying to parent me and keep holding the we can take away the funding for your very expensive college education anytime we want so you better abide by our sometimes ridiculous rules. its like something they pull out for like the dumbest stuff, like brenna if you don't unload the dishwasher you're not going back to baylor. really?! oh okay dad, i'll hop to it. not. just because you have the upper hand on someone doesn't mean you should use it just because you can. thats something my father taught me ironically. i'm in between being a kid and being an adult. good god i feel like the stupid britney spears song, " i'm not a girl, not yet a woman". wow thats what my life has come to, a britney spears song. haha but its kinda true. there are times when i act like a kid, and feel entitled to because, i'm only 19 and can't be expected to act like i'm 40 just yet. that happens on your 20th birthday. just kidding, i hope. but there are also a lot of time where i could act like a kid, and people would expect me to, and i don't.

like medical stuff, i had a fever for about a month and was super exhausted all of the time, but was testing negative for everything. given my new diagnosis of my stomach disorder, they ran some extra tests, which were awful and required things i wouldn't dare type about. that i handle. the fact that as much as my medicine does balance me out, i still have a lot of anxiety everyday and sometimes it really really gets to me. that i manage. i guess i feel like since i act adult about those things and power through, sometimes i should be allowed to act like a kid and just have fun, without getting a 20 minute lecture about my over use of the word "like".

romantically i'm lost too. i get lonely a lot. i have my friends who are fantastic, but mostly girls, and yeah, no matter how much we joke about it, totes never gonna happen. with the stuff i go through on a daily basis, i would like to have a companion to help me get through it. another place i tend to be mature is in relationships, not to say that i'm very good at them, but to say that i don't like games and i don't want to waste my time on someone or invest myself in someone who's going to be wrong for me or disappoint me or who i'm wrong for. meaning to say that i don't want to waste my time, but don't want to think about finding the person i'm supposed to be with because i'm not planning on getting married before i have my law degree. but that leaves me alone for the time being. which isn't the worst thing in the world by any means. i'm in no way saying that i need a boyfriend, or that i even want one. i don't know, hence the lost status. i do tend to feel lonely though.

i'm struggling physically, emotionally, and mentally but of course, it wouldn't be life if i wasn't, generally i have my days with my boys, try and see dallas friends during the week, and leave during the weekend. or have someone come visit, LIKE SASHA. who came to visit last weekend and it was awesome, and just what i needed. i'm counting down the days until i get to see her when i go visit memphis in 2 more weekends!! so i'm getting through it and have plenty of enjoyable experiences, but need to get back to baylor soon. everything tends to make more sense there, and there are people there who inspire me and help me get through the chaos that is my life with much more grace and composure than i would on my own.

i hope your summer is going well and relaxing. i hope that you're tanner than i am, actually no i don't i hope you're lilly white so i won't look like casper next to you, and that you're having a blast this summer. enjoy it and soak it up, so to speak. all my love and best wishes for a great week!

i am changing, trying everything i can. : )