Saturday, May 22, 2010

home is where..your dogs are? your friends are? your heart is?

home is an interesting phenomenon for a college student. i'm struggling a lot with it right now. first of all, my dogs are so awesome. i may be a 100 percent total nerd for saying this, but my street rep be damned, i was most excited to see my dogs when i got home. after seeing my dogs, my parents, and a few friends...thats about it though. i feel horrible. i've been in dallas, a city that i love, for 2 weeks and i'm dying to go back to baylor. i know, poor brenna loves her school so much that she wants to go back. this time last year you couldn't have paid me enough to go off to college. so thats a huge blessing. but i've lived in dallas for 19 years. i was born here, grew up here, graduated from here, experienced everything i know here. there are people i've know for 17 years here. this is supposed to be my home. but its been an awkward transition. where i'm feeling drawn to is a place i now can't consider spending extended time away from. its weird though, cause when i lived in collins with veronica, i never said i was going home. i always said i was going back to the room. home was still dallas. home still is dallas...kinda. i still wake up and look over to see if veronica is awake...turns out my extend-o eyes don't see all the way to houston. i expect to be able to walk 10 minutes and see people who are currently all over the country and am instead seeing people who for 9 months of the year are all over the country. i couldn't imagine being without my dallas friends everyday, but i adapted. now i can't imagine being away from my baylor friend, and i'll adapt. it just hasn't happened yet. but regardless, i'm going to have goals for this summer. i'm going to get into a regular exercise routine, learn to eat fruit, and work to save money. i want to enjoy people and life. i need to learn to enjoy myself...that sounds awkward. i mean i need to learn how to get enjoyment out of life where ever i am. you know when you go overseas, you have to buy an outlet adapter for your blow dryer and phone charger? i need one of those for my life right now. unfortunately, radio shack is fresh out. i'm having trouble making home where my hat is, because my heart is with my baylor friends. i love so many people in dallas so much. i couldn't be the person who misses baylor without them. i don't even know what i'm feeling. take tonight for example kate and lauren, my two best friends from home, came over for a how i met your mother marathon. i had a blast. i loved every second of it. these are dallas nights i cherish. but i also almost did a toe touch when sasha, one of my best baylor friends, and i were discussing dates for her to visit. i'm really torn between two worlds and need to transition better, or come to terms with transition, eventually i will consider baylor my home and dallas where i came from. i'm still clinging to where i came from. i'm not quite ready to let it go. i feel like i should be able to just be happy in both dallas and waco because i have great friends and support systems in both places. maybe thats what i'll try and work on this week.

on a sadder note, one of the janitors at my high school, an incredibly good nice man who always went out of his way to help us with anything we needed passed away this week. my family is going to his service tomorrow. may he rest in peace.

my best wishes for a relaxing and fun summer : ) a positive attitude is the key to improvement, but even if i weren't i hope you're having a great break!

next post will be more positive, promise : )

Friday, May 7, 2010

well its finals season. everything is packed and ready to go. I'm waiting and waiting for Monday to come, which only seems to make it further away. I have really mixed feelings about leaving. On the one hand, I need to get the heck out of dodge and be done with school because i'm going crazy. I want to be home with my dogs and friends and tan. On the other hand, I couldn't have imagined a better freshman experience. I absolutely love my friends. I love my teachers. I love my sorority. I love my school, so so much and I am so grateful for this year and the amazing people I got to meet. Leaving them, even thinking about leaving them makes me want to throw up. I wish I could combine my two worlds...boy would that be an epic mistake. they are so different. I know I've talked a lot about this recently, feeling like I'm in two worlds. Stuck in between the person I was and know and the person I want to be. Its really confusing. I had the opportunity to take an internship with habitat for humanity, but turned it down for different reasons. It didn't feel right. That worries the crap out of me. What if I'm not cut out for what I want to do? What if I can't handle it? What am I going to do if I don't do that? I hate questions like these, I've always known what I wanted to do and the thought that I could have been wrong for 19 years is not only unsettling but super upsetting. Maybe I don't know myself as well as I thought I did.

All of these thoughts are swirling around in my head while I'm supposed to be completely focused on school. I've been facebook free for about 3 weeks now, and I got an email from facebook telling me I had 8 friend requests. I can't wait until Monday when I let myself get my password back from my roommate, who by the way is leaving Saturday. I am not staying in the room without her, so I'll be couch surfing this weekend. gah. even typing that makes me teary eyed. i hate hate hate transition. most change sucks and I'm just really worried about my ability to adapt. It took a lot to get me here, a lot. A lot that I don't think I even realize how much it took to get me to baylor. but I'm here and I love it and it is so much more than I ever expected it to be.

i'm babbling but i'm just feeling really conflicted about....everything. which isn't fun at all. but i have more studying to do for my last 2 finals on saturday and monday, both at 9 in the morning, like thats fair. then i'll be on that dreaded I-35, trying not to get a ticket and most likely crying my eyes out in a car full of my belongings. can't wait.

hope your finals season is going well and that you finish before I do. If you don't, know I empathize.