Monday, April 19, 2010


i should also learn how to spell...might help with my paper.

sink or swim...sinking sounds pretty good right now

I was determined to write on my blog at least once before midnight, and I only have a 10 page paper due tomorrow that I haven't started, this seems like the perfect time. I am drowning. No sleep, and way too much work is one crappy combination. I'm not feeling particularly drawn to...anything...right now, not academically anyways. and I'm just disappointed in other areas of my life.

I thought that i'd have my stuff together by now. It's been over a month since I started my new medicine and I thought it would be the start of me really getting back on track. lie. crutches really really messed me up. I got really behind on all of my school work because anytime I wasn't hobbling somewhere, I was passed out from pain and exhaustion. The farther behind you get, the less hopeful you get of ever digging yourself out of the hole. I feel like I'm in a 30 foot deep hole right now. I'm just disappointed in myself. I am a person who thrives on being an over achiever, and its just not happening. I don't have enough time to pull up some grades that really should be A's. I don't like to make excuses for myself, and yeah, while i did have a fair amount of stuff happen to me this semester, I really don't see that as an excuse. Stuff happens. I doubt I'll have a single semester, or time in my life really, where something isn't going wrong, and thats fine. If my life was all stepford wives-y I wouldn't ever grow, I wouldn't ever learn. So I know that hardships help, thus I don't count being on crutches or losing a cousin to cancer or having to put my dog down or having to experiment with different medications for sleeping an excuse. I'm just supposed to be better than that stuff. I'm supposed to cope better and rise above it. And I really haven't seen myself do that this semester. I am by far my toughest critic and I'm getting like a 4 out of 10 right now.

I really need summer in some ways. In other ways I think it would benefit me much more to stay in my Baylor bubble.

I want to be able to go to college with out having to go to school so badly. So many people here inspire me and motivate me to be the best me I can be. That's incredible to me. I still marvel at what amazing friends I have. How supportive, funny, and fun they all are and how even in this short amount of time have become a staple in my life. I can't imagine not seeing them everyday, but I supposed I couldn't imagine not seeing my friends from home everyday and I got over that. I'm scared to go home. People at home are amazing in a different way. I know those people so well and love rehashing memories and laughing with them for hours, but its a very different world from Baylor and I almost feel like its a regression. I in no way want to end my relationships at home, I love my Dallas friends so much, but Dallas has a lot of drinking and a lot drugs and a lot of romantic drama that I just really don't like. I don't have to worry about that here most of the time. I'm worried about being able to keep the lessons I've learned in this past year and the personality I've adapted and grown into at home. I don't want to move backwards and I don't want to change. It scares me that I'll change. Its going to be a battle for me this summer, and I kind of feel like I fight enough battles on a day to day basis already. I know that God will never give me something I can't handle, I have figured that out first hand, when I thought that another thing couldn't go wrong, it did. and I got through it then, and I'll get through it now, but its frustrating at times not to know the plan.

Socially, I have great friends and they are absolutely helping me get through all of this, which is such a blessing. I still get disappointed by people though. Not them, my closest friends are incredible people for whom my unconditional love is far reaching. I get nervous making new connections because I have been disappointed so many times that whenever I meet someone new that I feel like I can get attached to, I do my best to manage my expectations and try and make expectations that are reasonable of people or at least my interactions with them, and it still doesn't work. Yes, I have standards, and I have expectations. Is that wrong? Should I not expect things of those closest to me and vice versa? Am I too hard on them because I'm trying to protect myself? Or am i just looking in the wrong places? Or am I wrong to look at all right now? I'm lost on this one. I really am and I need some guidance, feel free to offer some, give me your God phone, cause I'm thinkin he and I are going to have a come to Jesus meeting soon.

I hate being in waiting. I don't think I could ever have been a lady-in-waiting...I would just get really mad and impatient. I just really really need to get through the next too weeks without drowning so I can start to work on other aspects of my life that desperately need attention, unfortunately right now its all school.

I had my roommate change my facebook password yesterday and I'm already suffering withdrawal pain, but its if i could only find a way to stop myself from going to MLIA...

gonna start on my paper because I'm resolved to go to bed before three. good call brenna, good call.

hoping your situations are far brighter than mine, and if now, know that I empathize.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Moody library: my home away from home.

Why don't I ever write during a reasonable hour? yeah that time management thing I mentioned before still hasn't taken. pulled another hamstring. same leg different one. I'm an idiot. I mean, yeah, but not really. Stompfest has been an interesting experience, and a good prep for sing, but can be really frustrating at times, especially physically. but i'm sitting at the library...where I have been since 11, and have accomplished....nothing. I need to get two english papers and some logic reading done. Instead I've been on facebook, mostly stalking basketball players. I just have no motivation, and I really need to find some. I'm dropping a lot of balls. a lot.

one thing that's really frustrating about having an anxiety disorder that requires medication, is that many times I feel nothing. No sense of urgency or frustration or hurt or even elation. When something happens, when someone says something upsetting, or criticizes me, I feel nothing. I have an intellectual response, I know I should be angry or upset or outraged even, but nothing. I miss feeling anxious, man that sounds wrong. When you go from being anxious and worrying about everything to have a much more level response to everything within a couple of months, it takes a toll on your personality. They warn you that when you start taking medication, that you'd lose parts of your personality that were driven by your anxiety. For me, that was my work ethic. So right now, being medicated sucks. I want to feel more often. I want to be sad sometimes, I want to get mad, I want my heart to race, or to feel the wind go out of me. I want to feel. And I don't. And that sucks.

What I do feel, however, is my stupid ankle and my stupid leg hurting. I love performing, I miss it like crazy, so I'm excited about stompfest in that regard. My lower half is screaming, lay in an ice bath for like..ever. I'm also excited to have some free nights, where I can start studying and doing homework before 11 or 12. Cause I need to hit the books hard the next couple weeks and pull and 4.0 outta my butt if I can.

I feel like I'm rambling but this will be my 3rd all nighter in a week, so my mind is kind of boggled. boggle is such a good game. wow sorry. I'm going to try and get something. Something needs to kick my butt into gear, I just really don't know what that is. I haven't quite had my rude awakening yet. Let's hope it happens soon.