Sunday, August 15, 2010

one foot in and one foot back. it don't pay to live like that. a lot. i actually really hate it. unpacking is my favorite. getting everything settled in and in its permanent place seems to ease my anxiety. putting things where they go is a big help for me, because i don't do well with transition whatsoever. even the drive to waco, to a school i adore, makes me incredibly nervous and i find myself second guessing myself and debate whether or not to turn around. i have a ginormous fear of the unknown. even if its a safe situation, even if i've planned out every aspect, it makes me nervous. i don't know why, but as soon as i get there and get settled in, the worst case scenario feelings start to melt. i can get through a lot once i get there, but the transition leads me to second guess everything. since i'm about to be in transition it has me thinking about transition in a lot of different contexts of my life. like sophomore year, not as epic as like senior year, but i'm not new anymore. i'm expected to know what i'm doing and where i'm going. i'm expected to be more intelligent, more savvy, more plugged in. more mature, more i dunno whatever. people might ask me for advice or directions, i'm supposed to have the inside information, because i'm not new. i've experience a whole year of baylor culture. i'm not supposed to be finding my footing anymore. i feel like i'm climbing up a steal wall in flip flops. i have no traction, and no stability in sight. i don't know why this is making me so nervous. i love baylor so much and i had such an amazing first year. i am super excited about seeing friends and getting back into being at baylor, i just seem to be uneasy about it as well. i think its because, i've gotten comfortable here. all summer i've been aching to go back to baylor, begging and pleading the calendar to change to august 19th so i could leave. and now that its next week...i've put off packing..i've put off doing anything that advances the ball. i'm comfortable. i have my routines here, i have my family and that awesome safety net where you can still run to mom and dad and have them hold you and tell you everything is going to be okay. this sounds dumb, but when you're me ha, having your parents go to your doctors appointments with you, esp. when you have old lady organs like me, really comforts me. it makes me feel like whatever i'm going through, whatever medical crap i'm dealing with, that someone is there to experience it with me, someone is there to ask the intelligent questions when i feel defeated by yet another medical problem, to talk you through it and hold your hand. but i'm almost 20...eek. my parents won't be coming to my doctors appointments forever. but right now, they're here. and i'm comfortable. i have a job thats bearable and doesn't require too much thinking (nannying). its not my favorite thing in the world, and i'm pretty sure i'm never ever ever gonna have kids after this summer, but i'm comfortable there. i've had a summer where i didn't have to do much and just got to relax, and i'm not really ready to give it up and go back. and with that i ask, how is it possible to truly be comfortable in any aspect of life when you have one thing that works but you are constantly striving for something more? we are so insatiable...but shouldn't we be? why should we settle for anything? why shouldn't we want more? but we should also be content and appreciative of what we have. how can i ever be comfortable for any extended period of time? its all gonna change again, because i'm constantly looking for more. i'm not even talking about material things. being at home is comfy. i don't have to make a lot of effort and i like spending my days like this. but i'm also striving to go back and succeed at baylor and mold myself educationally and spiritually into a person that can affect change. i am confident that i have good qualities in my personality..somewhere down there ha..but i'm always striving to be a better person. do more, be more, love more, laugh more, change more, help more. pray more. care more. but i'm no slouch as of right now. i just don't understand how to go about being comfortable with change, without feeling like i'm never going to be settled. i love having everything in its place, but am i ever going to find a place to put everything?

Monday, July 19, 2010

i don't even know.

i'm gonna stop trying to find whatever i'm looking for. the seeking process isn't going anywhere good. i'm looking to find more meaning or more i don't even know, hence the title. but whatever it is i'm gonna stop. i'm going to focus on school, getting good grades, starting LSAT prep (its never too early), figuring out if i want to do a major switch or stick with lit, getting better study habits. i'm gonna focus on my friends and maintaining my relationships and making new ones, i'm gonna focus on my sorority and how to best serve my fellow adpi's and enjoy the company of some truly fantastic ladies. i'm gonna focus on immersing myself in the baylor culture and taking advantage of everything it has to offer. i'm not looking for any kind of romantic entanglements, i need to be on my own for a while and figure myself out. i guess i've been telling myself that i need to do this, but i'm going to do it.

its kind of scary to close off the romantic aspect of my life and try and not hope for the possibility of more, but its really what i need to do or i won't be the best me i can. it took me a long time to learn that you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of other people. its a difficult choice for me, i always want to help everyone else with their problems. their problems i can help with, easy breezy, i'm happy to be there for them, if it means i don't have to be there for myself and can focus on someone else's issues. i'm a legit procrastinator in all aspects of life. i put off studying, exercising, dealing with logistics, getting things, done, dealing with my problems, sometimes eating if i'm too lazy to move, getting out of bed, getting to class, caring about my appearance, anything but sleep, i procrastinate. the time is now, at least for this problem. so here it goes, if you have in advice for being single without being lonely, i'm all ears.

on a side note, my princess Hute, my doggie has a hot spot, where she has an itch in her leg and can't stop chewing on it until its completely raw, which is obviously bad. so i spent the night downstairs with her on the couch making sure she didn't bite at the bandages. took her into the vet this morning and my poor precious baby has to have a cone for 5 days. my mom couldn't stand to put her in the plastic one, so she went and bought and inflatable one that isn't so encompassing and looks like those neck pillows that people use on airplanes. poor baby its so hot outside.

hope you're having a relaxing break! i'm so excited that i move in to my apartment in one month!!! i can't wait to be back at baylor.

taking things a day at a time.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

i am changing, trying everything i can, i am changing, i'll be better than i am

thats a line from dreamgirls, the musical, which describes me pretty well right now, or at least what i'm attempting..i saw dreamgirls tonight with my parents, and it was awesome. i'm always amazed when i've seen the movie of a musical and then the show on stage, and how creative they have to be to get the same effect. thats why i love theater, you have to be creative and talented enough to be able to be convincing in one take as a whole different person. its so epic. it tends to get me thinking about my own life, or maybe when 12:50 comes around i start thinking about my blog, because i started it when i was having serious sleeping problem. so here i am needing to be asleep so i can get up for church in the morning, with a headache, probably from thinking, writing yet another entry in the blog. most times i have no idea what i'm going to write when i click "new post", i just figure i haven't probably evaluated my life much this week so when i start writing, my feelings and thoughts come out without much prodding, which is nice...sometimes. i feel kinda lost right now, in a lot of areas. a fair amount has happened since my last post. my brother graduated from northwestern university with a b.s. in journalism and is settled a liking his job in arizona a lot. i couldn't be more proud of him. the courage it takes to close a huge chapter of your life and dive into the next one with an open mind takes a super duper sense of self and i really respect him for taking advantage of all of his opportunities. we had a great weekend with our family and it was just a great trip, but the family's last hurrah all together as the family i've known for 19 years. but change is inevitable and he's moving on to great things, so i'm trying my hardest to look at it like a positive. its difficult when mom has moved all of the taxes stuff into his room to the point where you can't even walk in the door. but anyways

i feel lost intellectually for a start, i'm considering a change in majors from english lit to social work, but i'm taking a class in social work before i decide, but thats not all of it. i spend my days with two 4 year olds and a 6 year old and i feel like my brain is turned to mush, its literally difficult for me to have a conversation with a "grown up" without stumbling and stuttering like an idiot because i'm not used to using normal words with normal sentences. i work hard enough at academics without slipping into toddler speech. i just feel like i should be doing something intellectual, which i guess will help me have a positive attitude about school, until like wednesday when i realize...its school.

i'm lost emotionally in the transition after my first year of college. i don't know what to feel anymore, and with medication its not super much of an option ha so i guess thats kinda taken care of for me. i'm having awkward interactions with my parents who are still trying to parent me and keep holding the we can take away the funding for your very expensive college education anytime we want so you better abide by our sometimes ridiculous rules. its like something they pull out for like the dumbest stuff, like brenna if you don't unload the dishwasher you're not going back to baylor. really?! oh okay dad, i'll hop to it. not. just because you have the upper hand on someone doesn't mean you should use it just because you can. thats something my father taught me ironically. i'm in between being a kid and being an adult. good god i feel like the stupid britney spears song, " i'm not a girl, not yet a woman". wow thats what my life has come to, a britney spears song. haha but its kinda true. there are times when i act like a kid, and feel entitled to because, i'm only 19 and can't be expected to act like i'm 40 just yet. that happens on your 20th birthday. just kidding, i hope. but there are also a lot of time where i could act like a kid, and people would expect me to, and i don't.

like medical stuff, i had a fever for about a month and was super exhausted all of the time, but was testing negative for everything. given my new diagnosis of my stomach disorder, they ran some extra tests, which were awful and required things i wouldn't dare type about. that i handle. the fact that as much as my medicine does balance me out, i still have a lot of anxiety everyday and sometimes it really really gets to me. that i manage. i guess i feel like since i act adult about those things and power through, sometimes i should be allowed to act like a kid and just have fun, without getting a 20 minute lecture about my over use of the word "like".

romantically i'm lost too. i get lonely a lot. i have my friends who are fantastic, but mostly girls, and yeah, no matter how much we joke about it, totes never gonna happen. with the stuff i go through on a daily basis, i would like to have a companion to help me get through it. another place i tend to be mature is in relationships, not to say that i'm very good at them, but to say that i don't like games and i don't want to waste my time on someone or invest myself in someone who's going to be wrong for me or disappoint me or who i'm wrong for. meaning to say that i don't want to waste my time, but don't want to think about finding the person i'm supposed to be with because i'm not planning on getting married before i have my law degree. but that leaves me alone for the time being. which isn't the worst thing in the world by any means. i'm in no way saying that i need a boyfriend, or that i even want one. i don't know, hence the lost status. i do tend to feel lonely though.

i'm struggling physically, emotionally, and mentally but of course, it wouldn't be life if i wasn't, generally i have my days with my boys, try and see dallas friends during the week, and leave during the weekend. or have someone come visit, LIKE SASHA. who came to visit last weekend and it was awesome, and just what i needed. i'm counting down the days until i get to see her when i go visit memphis in 2 more weekends!! so i'm getting through it and have plenty of enjoyable experiences, but need to get back to baylor soon. everything tends to make more sense there, and there are people there who inspire me and help me get through the chaos that is my life with much more grace and composure than i would on my own.

i hope your summer is going well and relaxing. i hope that you're tanner than i am, actually no i don't i hope you're lilly white so i won't look like casper next to you, and that you're having a blast this summer. enjoy it and soak it up, so to speak. all my love and best wishes for a great week!

i am changing, trying everything i can. : )

Monday, June 14, 2010

pissed off puerto rican

if i could pick one word to describe the way i feel right now, it would be angry. i have no idea why, but i just find i'm pissed off in and at various parts of my life. i'm angry because i'm not at baylor. i'm angry because i'm angry about not being at baylor. i'm angry cause i want to be happy i'm home. i'm angry because i'm not. i'm angry at whats going on with the world. i'm angry with whats going on with people i know. i'm angry with living a passive life. i'm angry about being confused. i'm confused about what i want in life, what i want to do, who i want to be, what kind of life i want. i don't know why i'm just so angry.

i feel like i need to be doing something. about everything. thats such a big weight. i always feel like its my responsibility to take on everything and i'm disappointed in myself when i don't. i don't know i'm just confused. sometimes i feel like being a civil rights lawyer isn't going to be enough. i'm not going to be in the thick of it. and i so so want to be in the thick of it. i don't want to be processing the papers for the people who did the actual work. i don't know. and i don't know where these doubts are coming from either.

what do i do? how do i calm my doubts? the first thing is getting my butt into shape. its been suggested that i take up kick boxing, or boxing boxing, i know, me with training in hitting? good combo, but it would let me release some of anxiety in a healthy way. i also need to be doing weekly volunteering or something. do something. i need to figure out where my anger is coming from and how to deal with it healthily. right now i'm just bottling it up and taking it out on my family, which isn't fair at all.

add to the fact that i've had a fever for 6 days now...and got diagnosed with yet another stomach disorder...just adds to the anger. i'm a mess. surprise. i'm stumped. i'm gonna get my act together though promise : )

best wishes for a happy and successful summer. : ) let me know if you have any suggestions

Saturday, May 22, 2010

home is where..your dogs are? your friends are? your heart is?

home is an interesting phenomenon for a college student. i'm struggling a lot with it right now. first of all, my dogs are so awesome. i may be a 100 percent total nerd for saying this, but my street rep be damned, i was most excited to see my dogs when i got home. after seeing my dogs, my parents, and a few friends...thats about it though. i feel horrible. i've been in dallas, a city that i love, for 2 weeks and i'm dying to go back to baylor. i know, poor brenna loves her school so much that she wants to go back. this time last year you couldn't have paid me enough to go off to college. so thats a huge blessing. but i've lived in dallas for 19 years. i was born here, grew up here, graduated from here, experienced everything i know here. there are people i've know for 17 years here. this is supposed to be my home. but its been an awkward transition. where i'm feeling drawn to is a place i now can't consider spending extended time away from. its weird though, cause when i lived in collins with veronica, i never said i was going home. i always said i was going back to the room. home was still dallas. home still is dallas...kinda. i still wake up and look over to see if veronica is awake...turns out my extend-o eyes don't see all the way to houston. i expect to be able to walk 10 minutes and see people who are currently all over the country and am instead seeing people who for 9 months of the year are all over the country. i couldn't imagine being without my dallas friends everyday, but i adapted. now i can't imagine being away from my baylor friend, and i'll adapt. it just hasn't happened yet. but regardless, i'm going to have goals for this summer. i'm going to get into a regular exercise routine, learn to eat fruit, and work to save money. i want to enjoy people and life. i need to learn to enjoy myself...that sounds awkward. i mean i need to learn how to get enjoyment out of life where ever i am. you know when you go overseas, you have to buy an outlet adapter for your blow dryer and phone charger? i need one of those for my life right now. unfortunately, radio shack is fresh out. i'm having trouble making home where my hat is, because my heart is with my baylor friends. i love so many people in dallas so much. i couldn't be the person who misses baylor without them. i don't even know what i'm feeling. take tonight for example kate and lauren, my two best friends from home, came over for a how i met your mother marathon. i had a blast. i loved every second of it. these are dallas nights i cherish. but i also almost did a toe touch when sasha, one of my best baylor friends, and i were discussing dates for her to visit. i'm really torn between two worlds and need to transition better, or come to terms with transition, eventually i will consider baylor my home and dallas where i came from. i'm still clinging to where i came from. i'm not quite ready to let it go. i feel like i should be able to just be happy in both dallas and waco because i have great friends and support systems in both places. maybe thats what i'll try and work on this week.

on a sadder note, one of the janitors at my high school, an incredibly good nice man who always went out of his way to help us with anything we needed passed away this week. my family is going to his service tomorrow. may he rest in peace.

my best wishes for a relaxing and fun summer : ) a positive attitude is the key to improvement, but even if i weren't i hope you're having a great break!

next post will be more positive, promise : )

Friday, May 7, 2010

well its finals season. everything is packed and ready to go. I'm waiting and waiting for Monday to come, which only seems to make it further away. I have really mixed feelings about leaving. On the one hand, I need to get the heck out of dodge and be done with school because i'm going crazy. I want to be home with my dogs and friends and tan. On the other hand, I couldn't have imagined a better freshman experience. I absolutely love my friends. I love my teachers. I love my sorority. I love my school, so so much and I am so grateful for this year and the amazing people I got to meet. Leaving them, even thinking about leaving them makes me want to throw up. I wish I could combine my two worlds...boy would that be an epic mistake. they are so different. I know I've talked a lot about this recently, feeling like I'm in two worlds. Stuck in between the person I was and know and the person I want to be. Its really confusing. I had the opportunity to take an internship with habitat for humanity, but turned it down for different reasons. It didn't feel right. That worries the crap out of me. What if I'm not cut out for what I want to do? What if I can't handle it? What am I going to do if I don't do that? I hate questions like these, I've always known what I wanted to do and the thought that I could have been wrong for 19 years is not only unsettling but super upsetting. Maybe I don't know myself as well as I thought I did.

All of these thoughts are swirling around in my head while I'm supposed to be completely focused on school. I've been facebook free for about 3 weeks now, and I got an email from facebook telling me I had 8 friend requests. I can't wait until Monday when I let myself get my password back from my roommate, who by the way is leaving Saturday. I am not staying in the room without her, so I'll be couch surfing this weekend. gah. even typing that makes me teary eyed. i hate hate hate transition. most change sucks and I'm just really worried about my ability to adapt. It took a lot to get me here, a lot. A lot that I don't think I even realize how much it took to get me to baylor. but I'm here and I love it and it is so much more than I ever expected it to be.

i'm babbling but i'm just feeling really conflicted about....everything. which isn't fun at all. but i have more studying to do for my last 2 finals on saturday and monday, both at 9 in the morning, like thats fair. then i'll be on that dreaded I-35, trying not to get a ticket and most likely crying my eyes out in a car full of my belongings. can't wait.

hope your finals season is going well and that you finish before I do. If you don't, know I empathize.

Monday, April 19, 2010


i should also learn how to spell...might help with my paper.

sink or swim...sinking sounds pretty good right now

I was determined to write on my blog at least once before midnight, and I only have a 10 page paper due tomorrow that I haven't started, this seems like the perfect time. I am drowning. No sleep, and way too much work is one crappy combination. I'm not feeling particularly drawn to...anything...right now, not academically anyways. and I'm just disappointed in other areas of my life.

I thought that i'd have my stuff together by now. It's been over a month since I started my new medicine and I thought it would be the start of me really getting back on track. lie. crutches really really messed me up. I got really behind on all of my school work because anytime I wasn't hobbling somewhere, I was passed out from pain and exhaustion. The farther behind you get, the less hopeful you get of ever digging yourself out of the hole. I feel like I'm in a 30 foot deep hole right now. I'm just disappointed in myself. I am a person who thrives on being an over achiever, and its just not happening. I don't have enough time to pull up some grades that really should be A's. I don't like to make excuses for myself, and yeah, while i did have a fair amount of stuff happen to me this semester, I really don't see that as an excuse. Stuff happens. I doubt I'll have a single semester, or time in my life really, where something isn't going wrong, and thats fine. If my life was all stepford wives-y I wouldn't ever grow, I wouldn't ever learn. So I know that hardships help, thus I don't count being on crutches or losing a cousin to cancer or having to put my dog down or having to experiment with different medications for sleeping an excuse. I'm just supposed to be better than that stuff. I'm supposed to cope better and rise above it. And I really haven't seen myself do that this semester. I am by far my toughest critic and I'm getting like a 4 out of 10 right now.

I really need summer in some ways. In other ways I think it would benefit me much more to stay in my Baylor bubble.

I want to be able to go to college with out having to go to school so badly. So many people here inspire me and motivate me to be the best me I can be. That's incredible to me. I still marvel at what amazing friends I have. How supportive, funny, and fun they all are and how even in this short amount of time have become a staple in my life. I can't imagine not seeing them everyday, but I supposed I couldn't imagine not seeing my friends from home everyday and I got over that. I'm scared to go home. People at home are amazing in a different way. I know those people so well and love rehashing memories and laughing with them for hours, but its a very different world from Baylor and I almost feel like its a regression. I in no way want to end my relationships at home, I love my Dallas friends so much, but Dallas has a lot of drinking and a lot drugs and a lot of romantic drama that I just really don't like. I don't have to worry about that here most of the time. I'm worried about being able to keep the lessons I've learned in this past year and the personality I've adapted and grown into at home. I don't want to move backwards and I don't want to change. It scares me that I'll change. Its going to be a battle for me this summer, and I kind of feel like I fight enough battles on a day to day basis already. I know that God will never give me something I can't handle, I have figured that out first hand, when I thought that another thing couldn't go wrong, it did. and I got through it then, and I'll get through it now, but its frustrating at times not to know the plan.

Socially, I have great friends and they are absolutely helping me get through all of this, which is such a blessing. I still get disappointed by people though. Not them, my closest friends are incredible people for whom my unconditional love is far reaching. I get nervous making new connections because I have been disappointed so many times that whenever I meet someone new that I feel like I can get attached to, I do my best to manage my expectations and try and make expectations that are reasonable of people or at least my interactions with them, and it still doesn't work. Yes, I have standards, and I have expectations. Is that wrong? Should I not expect things of those closest to me and vice versa? Am I too hard on them because I'm trying to protect myself? Or am i just looking in the wrong places? Or am I wrong to look at all right now? I'm lost on this one. I really am and I need some guidance, feel free to offer some, give me your God phone, cause I'm thinkin he and I are going to have a come to Jesus meeting soon.

I hate being in waiting. I don't think I could ever have been a lady-in-waiting...I would just get really mad and impatient. I just really really need to get through the next too weeks without drowning so I can start to work on other aspects of my life that desperately need attention, unfortunately right now its all school.

I had my roommate change my facebook password yesterday and I'm already suffering withdrawal pain, but its if i could only find a way to stop myself from going to MLIA...

gonna start on my paper because I'm resolved to go to bed before three. good call brenna, good call.

hoping your situations are far brighter than mine, and if now, know that I empathize.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Moody library: my home away from home.

Why don't I ever write during a reasonable hour? yeah that time management thing I mentioned before still hasn't taken. pulled another hamstring. same leg different one. I'm an idiot. I mean, yeah, but not really. Stompfest has been an interesting experience, and a good prep for sing, but can be really frustrating at times, especially physically. but i'm sitting at the library...where I have been since 11, and have accomplished....nothing. I need to get two english papers and some logic reading done. Instead I've been on facebook, mostly stalking basketball players. I just have no motivation, and I really need to find some. I'm dropping a lot of balls. a lot.

one thing that's really frustrating about having an anxiety disorder that requires medication, is that many times I feel nothing. No sense of urgency or frustration or hurt or even elation. When something happens, when someone says something upsetting, or criticizes me, I feel nothing. I have an intellectual response, I know I should be angry or upset or outraged even, but nothing. I miss feeling anxious, man that sounds wrong. When you go from being anxious and worrying about everything to have a much more level response to everything within a couple of months, it takes a toll on your personality. They warn you that when you start taking medication, that you'd lose parts of your personality that were driven by your anxiety. For me, that was my work ethic. So right now, being medicated sucks. I want to feel more often. I want to be sad sometimes, I want to get mad, I want my heart to race, or to feel the wind go out of me. I want to feel. And I don't. And that sucks.

What I do feel, however, is my stupid ankle and my stupid leg hurting. I love performing, I miss it like crazy, so I'm excited about stompfest in that regard. My lower half is screaming, lay in an ice bath for like..ever. I'm also excited to have some free nights, where I can start studying and doing homework before 11 or 12. Cause I need to hit the books hard the next couple weeks and pull and 4.0 outta my butt if I can.

I feel like I'm rambling but this will be my 3rd all nighter in a week, so my mind is kind of boggled. boggle is such a good game. wow sorry. I'm going to try and get something. Something needs to kick my butt into gear, I just really don't know what that is. I haven't quite had my rude awakening yet. Let's hope it happens soon.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

there's a hitch in your giddy up

this week has been exhausting. mostly because when you're on crutches...everything wears you out so much faster. In a heated ADPi C team game against A Chi O, totes dominated by the way playoffs tomorrow so jazzed, I ran after a loose ball and slid for it with my left leg extended. Got up played the rest of the game, went to stompfest, went home. Woke up to go potty at 4 and couldn't walk. Turns out I pulled my hamstring in my left leg and resprained my ankle in my right leg. Awesome blossom. Getting around was that much harder, getting anything done was that much more impossible, keeping up with stompfest..ha wow. its been a long week. but what a great weekend. Lizzie, a fellow ADPi, invited some of us to her house in austin for the weekend. Super fun shopping, hanging out, good people, good food. It was relaxing and so much fun. I love those girls so much. If that weren't enough, BAYLOR BASKETBALL. Holy moly. Those of you who know me, know I. LOVE. BASKETBALL. I've played since kindergarten. What a great weekend of playing from both the women's and men's teams. and if THAT weren't enough, my brother visited!!! we drove to and from austin together and watched both games together. i so so so loved that time with him. so much so that i unexpectedly cried when he left to go back to dallas. I'm really proud of him and everything he's become. So this week started with Physical therapy class, meeting with librarian for research paper, class, class, tutoring with my logic TA, getting stompfest stuff, stompfest tech, making myself stop crying from being active during stompfest tech, watching the rest of stomp practice and finally coming home around 11:15. So tired. but what have i been doing instead of working on my debate, paper, and test prep? facebook stalking, basketball researching, MLIA reading...about to make myself get up, shower, and do some work. Then start all over tomorrow. Time management is key to my survival...and right now...I've got nothin.

away I go. and yes. I am playing in the basketball game tomorrow. and wednesday. they can't stop me.

Monday, March 22, 2010

i'm a toys r us kid

i don't want to grow up. Apparently, it seems inevitable. I finally thought things were calming down. I found a medicine that seems to be working, thank goodness, and am sleeping moderately better. Its not perfect, but its a HUGE improvement. Because of that godsend in pill form, I have no more excuses. No more missing class. No more not working out. (man did i need that kick in the butt) No more putting off homework. Time for my college reality to start. With that rude awakening, I'm doing my best. I worked out 4 days last week and have had Stompfest (a step competition that ADPi will be competing in on April 9th) every night which is a work out in and of itself. I try not to take naps during the day, but if i do, I make sure its after my classes. I'm still behind on school work. Thats just going to take some daily dedication that I've yet to find, but tomorrow is a new day!

Its not just an academic reality i'm having to face unfortunately. I hate transition. I hate waiting. I hate not having a clear destination. I am most likely the most impatient person...ever. That is no lie. Dude. Epiphany thats why I drive so fast. Wow. I knew this blog would be good for something. Anyways, I'm in transition in a lot of areas in my life and it makes me uncomfortable. I get incredibly anxious when I'm not in control, and I am so not in control right now. My family is changing. For those of you who don't know, I have a 22 year old brother Zach. Zach just finished his senior year at Northwestern University, a quarter early, and will graduate in June. He is my only sibling. Zach and I had more than the typical brother sister fights. We really got into it. With a family with two lawyer parents, arguing is kind of expected. But Zach has really grown up in the last two years and taken control of his academics and career. He's grown into a fantastic brother and has made me a better sister. I cherish my time with him. I realized today how much I need to cherish my time with him. Zach will go back to Chicago in a week and spend the next couple months working...somewhere..until he graduates. Once he graduates he will have a paid internship writing for a paper in Arizona (we're super proud of this, hundreds of people applied and they had one spot) but then Zach will find a job the country. I saw him this weekend, will see him at his graduation, then I really don't know when. That really hit me. I know this happens to everyone, but this is the first and only (thank god) time it will be happening to me and that is hitting me hard.

Changing subjects, I'm torn between two worlds. My Baylor world and my Dallas world. I love my home. I love my family, my room, my stuff, my dogs. I love my school, my roommate, my sorority. I love my friends, both Baylor and Dallas, so much. But the worlds are polar opposites. Baylor people are helping me grow into the person I want to become. I am surrounded with so many incredible people, that are pushing me in the right directions and helping me along the way. They encourage me in all aspects of my life. My sorority sisters are amazing. From the second I walked into the ADPi room on bid day they accepted me for the insane goof ball that I am and have supported me 100% since. I can't imagine life without them. I am so incredibly grateful for that. My non greek friends are amazing as well. Alli, Alicia, and Veronica are my rocks outside of ADPi. All three are either current or future roommates. These fantastic people have allowed me to establish a life with them here. A life where morals matter, where I don't have to worry about drinking or whatever is "in" this year, where I get to be myself and not be the uptight outspoken bitch, where I got to start over and simply be me. I'm also very guarded, very sheltered and very safe. I don't have to see anything I don't want to, and don't see some of the things I need to. I'm in my baylor bubble.

My Dallas world while completely different is just as special. I have friends for life there. I have known most of my Dallas friends since I was 5. At the latest I met them 5 years ago. They are the people who know me, who have tolerated me and vice versa for over a decade. They are people who I have memories with. Who I have roots with. Who I developed with. I've traveled with them, sang with them, danced with them, played sports with them, drove around bored with them, watched movies with them, laughed with them, cried with them, laughed until I cried with them countless times. They are my picture of home. They are supportive and represent my background. They are where I came from and who I get to come home to. They also know everything about me. At times is a great thing, to not have to get to know someone new, not have to tell all your stories to, not have to explain your emotional scars to. These people know me. At times getting caught up in that world leads me away from my future and who I hope to be. Going home is fantastic but it is a huge transition from by Baylor bubble. I'm stuck in between these two worlds and need to figure out how to balance them better. or balance them period.

So struggling with a lot, but taking it a day at a time. I don't want to start growing up, but alas the time has come. I'm scared. Hell, I'm terrified. But i'm trying. Wishing, hoping, thinking, and praying about my life, my friends and my future and trying to do the best that I can and be okay with that.

Clearly not everything will be resolved tonight...or tomorrow. But my logic homework needs to be solved by tomorrow...

Until next time.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

saturday night fever

not literally. i am talking about SING. It's the largest off Broadway production in the country. It's 4 1/2 hours of amazing-ness. My sorority, ADPi, has done an amazing job. I have been so blessed to find these incredibly unique, genuine girls. they have helped so much with everything that's going on. So good luck tonight ADPi about finding out about Pigskin!!

Still not sleeping. Didn't get a chance to pick up my prescription and man, was that a bad idea. Luckily, today is Saturday. I did a lot of fading in-and-out sleeping, which is better than nothing. I'm trying a new dose for a couple times and then I'll be switching to yet another medicine. I understand on an intellectual level that this is a trial and error process, but on a physical and realistic level, I'm really really frustrated. I'm tired and can't function. I have tests all the time, and while I thoroughly enjoy being busy, my I'm still adjusting to being in a sorority and balancing time, and it's only going to get busier. This situation needs to change, but I really don't know if it's going to. I'm really looking forward to spring break, in one week, with my parents. We're going to Mexico, to an all inclusive resort. I just want to read and sit on a beach and feel warm. And hopefully not get incredibly sun-burned like i did last year. I went to Mexico last year with my parents and 14 other friends, and this trip is making me miss all of the girls I grew up with. I hate it when songs are right. The whole "you don't know what you got till its gone" thing. I didn't realize how much seeing all of those girls impacted my everyday life. I have magnificent friends at Baylor, but I've known some of these girls for 17 years. This year is all an adjustment I suppose.

Two tests and a paper due this week, finally got the other paper done at like 4:20 that morning. I missed meeting with my Baylor Buddy, a 12 year old at risk middle schooler, again. I've been having trouble with her, she's had an epic attitude change for the worse and I'm not really sure how to handle it. I get incredibly stressed just thinking about it. She's so smart and used to be so sweet, but now I have no clue what's going on and she won't talk to me. I'm going next week for sure to have a serious conversation and let her know that if she doesn't start getting her act together that its upsetting me too much to continue trying to help her. While I feel horrible about that, the truth is, I'm at Baylor to get an education. I want to spend the rest of my life helping people, but I have to get there first.

All of this to say, I'm tired and stressed and ready for spring break. I'm hoping things will improve after that. Until then, I just have to tough it out, i guess. I'm off to get ready to find out ADPi's fate in Sing.

Until next time.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

oy with the poodles already.

it is currently 2:09 in the morning. i have currently done 2.9 pages out of my 5 page paper due exactly 11 hours and 51 minutes from now. I was inspired to do this in two parts. first, julie and julia. don't worry, i have no idea how to cook and even if i did my 12x15 dorm room doesn't allow for a lot of whisking and what not. second, i was just on one of my sororities sister's facebook in a continuous effort to avoid my paper and saw that she had one. I read through it and was hit with the realization that this could be a great outlet...even if no one reads it, which is totally what i'm predicting. so here I am, eyes drooping, back aching, deciding to start something new.

for those of you who don't know me here's the deal: i'm a mess. on the outside, on paper even, I look pretty legit. I know what I want to do with my life at a ripe age of nineteen, and have the plans to get there. I make good grades, am in a sorority, have great friends, an unceasingly generous and loving family, a precious dog, Hute, and more blessings than I can count. I'm generally the group clown and delight in making never ending witticisms such as, "that's what she said," and "your face." my mom is so proud. to the outside world i'm Brenna the confident kid always on the run always doing something goofy.

on the inside: i'm a 19 year with generalized anxiety disorder, functional dyspepsia, and a sleeping disorder. Everyday is a struggle. It takes hard work to even get to act stupid around my friends, let alone get through homework at a decent hour, hence my blogging at 2 in the morning. i'm tired. incredibly tired. more tired that people probably realize. because of this it's very hard for me to be moderately productive. this includes even being able to function and get to class. on top of that, when i'm not functioning due to lack of sleep, I worry about being able to do my assignments, get good grades, do my laundry, not go crazy with the science experiment gone wrong of a 12x15 room shared by 2 college freshman with a bunch of stuff, not bug my wonderful roommate with all of these stupid problems, and the list goes on and on. I get through everyday hanging on a thread and am in reality nothing like people see me as on the outside.

i'm kinda gonna use this to be just me. and as i'm anticipating that i will be only one reading it...thats fine with me.

Paper calls.