Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Moody library: my home away from home.

Why don't I ever write during a reasonable hour? yeah that time management thing I mentioned before still hasn't taken. pulled another hamstring. same leg different one. I'm an idiot. I mean, yeah, but not really. Stompfest has been an interesting experience, and a good prep for sing, but can be really frustrating at times, especially physically. but i'm sitting at the library...where I have been since 11, and have accomplished....nothing. I need to get two english papers and some logic reading done. Instead I've been on facebook, mostly stalking basketball players. I just have no motivation, and I really need to find some. I'm dropping a lot of balls. a lot.

one thing that's really frustrating about having an anxiety disorder that requires medication, is that many times I feel nothing. No sense of urgency or frustration or hurt or even elation. When something happens, when someone says something upsetting, or criticizes me, I feel nothing. I have an intellectual response, I know I should be angry or upset or outraged even, but nothing. I miss feeling anxious, man that sounds wrong. When you go from being anxious and worrying about everything to have a much more level response to everything within a couple of months, it takes a toll on your personality. They warn you that when you start taking medication, that you'd lose parts of your personality that were driven by your anxiety. For me, that was my work ethic. So right now, being medicated sucks. I want to feel more often. I want to be sad sometimes, I want to get mad, I want my heart to race, or to feel the wind go out of me. I want to feel. And I don't. And that sucks.

What I do feel, however, is my stupid ankle and my stupid leg hurting. I love performing, I miss it like crazy, so I'm excited about stompfest in that regard. My lower half is screaming, lay in an ice bath for like..ever. I'm also excited to have some free nights, where I can start studying and doing homework before 11 or 12. Cause I need to hit the books hard the next couple weeks and pull and 4.0 outta my butt if I can.

I feel like I'm rambling but this will be my 3rd all nighter in a week, so my mind is kind of boggled. boggle is such a good game. wow sorry. I'm going to try and get something. Something needs to kick my butt into gear, I just really don't know what that is. I haven't quite had my rude awakening yet. Let's hope it happens soon.

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