Friday, May 7, 2010

well its finals season. everything is packed and ready to go. I'm waiting and waiting for Monday to come, which only seems to make it further away. I have really mixed feelings about leaving. On the one hand, I need to get the heck out of dodge and be done with school because i'm going crazy. I want to be home with my dogs and friends and tan. On the other hand, I couldn't have imagined a better freshman experience. I absolutely love my friends. I love my teachers. I love my sorority. I love my school, so so much and I am so grateful for this year and the amazing people I got to meet. Leaving them, even thinking about leaving them makes me want to throw up. I wish I could combine my two worlds...boy would that be an epic mistake. they are so different. I know I've talked a lot about this recently, feeling like I'm in two worlds. Stuck in between the person I was and know and the person I want to be. Its really confusing. I had the opportunity to take an internship with habitat for humanity, but turned it down for different reasons. It didn't feel right. That worries the crap out of me. What if I'm not cut out for what I want to do? What if I can't handle it? What am I going to do if I don't do that? I hate questions like these, I've always known what I wanted to do and the thought that I could have been wrong for 19 years is not only unsettling but super upsetting. Maybe I don't know myself as well as I thought I did.

All of these thoughts are swirling around in my head while I'm supposed to be completely focused on school. I've been facebook free for about 3 weeks now, and I got an email from facebook telling me I had 8 friend requests. I can't wait until Monday when I let myself get my password back from my roommate, who by the way is leaving Saturday. I am not staying in the room without her, so I'll be couch surfing this weekend. gah. even typing that makes me teary eyed. i hate hate hate transition. most change sucks and I'm just really worried about my ability to adapt. It took a lot to get me here, a lot. A lot that I don't think I even realize how much it took to get me to baylor. but I'm here and I love it and it is so much more than I ever expected it to be.

i'm babbling but i'm just feeling really conflicted about....everything. which isn't fun at all. but i have more studying to do for my last 2 finals on saturday and monday, both at 9 in the morning, like thats fair. then i'll be on that dreaded I-35, trying not to get a ticket and most likely crying my eyes out in a car full of my belongings. can't wait.

hope your finals season is going well and that you finish before I do. If you don't, know I empathize.

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