Monday, June 14, 2010

pissed off puerto rican

if i could pick one word to describe the way i feel right now, it would be angry. i have no idea why, but i just find i'm pissed off in and at various parts of my life. i'm angry because i'm not at baylor. i'm angry because i'm angry about not being at baylor. i'm angry cause i want to be happy i'm home. i'm angry because i'm not. i'm angry at whats going on with the world. i'm angry with whats going on with people i know. i'm angry with living a passive life. i'm angry about being confused. i'm confused about what i want in life, what i want to do, who i want to be, what kind of life i want. i don't know why i'm just so angry.

i feel like i need to be doing something. about everything. thats such a big weight. i always feel like its my responsibility to take on everything and i'm disappointed in myself when i don't. i don't know i'm just confused. sometimes i feel like being a civil rights lawyer isn't going to be enough. i'm not going to be in the thick of it. and i so so want to be in the thick of it. i don't want to be processing the papers for the people who did the actual work. i don't know. and i don't know where these doubts are coming from either.

what do i do? how do i calm my doubts? the first thing is getting my butt into shape. its been suggested that i take up kick boxing, or boxing boxing, i know, me with training in hitting? good combo, but it would let me release some of anxiety in a healthy way. i also need to be doing weekly volunteering or something. do something. i need to figure out where my anger is coming from and how to deal with it healthily. right now i'm just bottling it up and taking it out on my family, which isn't fair at all.

add to the fact that i've had a fever for 6 days now...and got diagnosed with yet another stomach disorder...just adds to the anger. i'm a mess. surprise. i'm stumped. i'm gonna get my act together though promise : )

best wishes for a happy and successful summer. : ) let me know if you have any suggestions

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