Monday, March 22, 2010

i'm a toys r us kid

i don't want to grow up. Apparently, it seems inevitable. I finally thought things were calming down. I found a medicine that seems to be working, thank goodness, and am sleeping moderately better. Its not perfect, but its a HUGE improvement. Because of that godsend in pill form, I have no more excuses. No more missing class. No more not working out. (man did i need that kick in the butt) No more putting off homework. Time for my college reality to start. With that rude awakening, I'm doing my best. I worked out 4 days last week and have had Stompfest (a step competition that ADPi will be competing in on April 9th) every night which is a work out in and of itself. I try not to take naps during the day, but if i do, I make sure its after my classes. I'm still behind on school work. Thats just going to take some daily dedication that I've yet to find, but tomorrow is a new day!

Its not just an academic reality i'm having to face unfortunately. I hate transition. I hate waiting. I hate not having a clear destination. I am most likely the most impatient person...ever. That is no lie. Dude. Epiphany thats why I drive so fast. Wow. I knew this blog would be good for something. Anyways, I'm in transition in a lot of areas in my life and it makes me uncomfortable. I get incredibly anxious when I'm not in control, and I am so not in control right now. My family is changing. For those of you who don't know, I have a 22 year old brother Zach. Zach just finished his senior year at Northwestern University, a quarter early, and will graduate in June. He is my only sibling. Zach and I had more than the typical brother sister fights. We really got into it. With a family with two lawyer parents, arguing is kind of expected. But Zach has really grown up in the last two years and taken control of his academics and career. He's grown into a fantastic brother and has made me a better sister. I cherish my time with him. I realized today how much I need to cherish my time with him. Zach will go back to Chicago in a week and spend the next couple months working...somewhere..until he graduates. Once he graduates he will have a paid internship writing for a paper in Arizona (we're super proud of this, hundreds of people applied and they had one spot) but then Zach will find a job the country. I saw him this weekend, will see him at his graduation, then I really don't know when. That really hit me. I know this happens to everyone, but this is the first and only (thank god) time it will be happening to me and that is hitting me hard.

Changing subjects, I'm torn between two worlds. My Baylor world and my Dallas world. I love my home. I love my family, my room, my stuff, my dogs. I love my school, my roommate, my sorority. I love my friends, both Baylor and Dallas, so much. But the worlds are polar opposites. Baylor people are helping me grow into the person I want to become. I am surrounded with so many incredible people, that are pushing me in the right directions and helping me along the way. They encourage me in all aspects of my life. My sorority sisters are amazing. From the second I walked into the ADPi room on bid day they accepted me for the insane goof ball that I am and have supported me 100% since. I can't imagine life without them. I am so incredibly grateful for that. My non greek friends are amazing as well. Alli, Alicia, and Veronica are my rocks outside of ADPi. All three are either current or future roommates. These fantastic people have allowed me to establish a life with them here. A life where morals matter, where I don't have to worry about drinking or whatever is "in" this year, where I get to be myself and not be the uptight outspoken bitch, where I got to start over and simply be me. I'm also very guarded, very sheltered and very safe. I don't have to see anything I don't want to, and don't see some of the things I need to. I'm in my baylor bubble.

My Dallas world while completely different is just as special. I have friends for life there. I have known most of my Dallas friends since I was 5. At the latest I met them 5 years ago. They are the people who know me, who have tolerated me and vice versa for over a decade. They are people who I have memories with. Who I have roots with. Who I developed with. I've traveled with them, sang with them, danced with them, played sports with them, drove around bored with them, watched movies with them, laughed with them, cried with them, laughed until I cried with them countless times. They are my picture of home. They are supportive and represent my background. They are where I came from and who I get to come home to. They also know everything about me. At times is a great thing, to not have to get to know someone new, not have to tell all your stories to, not have to explain your emotional scars to. These people know me. At times getting caught up in that world leads me away from my future and who I hope to be. Going home is fantastic but it is a huge transition from by Baylor bubble. I'm stuck in between these two worlds and need to figure out how to balance them better. or balance them period.

So struggling with a lot, but taking it a day at a time. I don't want to start growing up, but alas the time has come. I'm scared. Hell, I'm terrified. But i'm trying. Wishing, hoping, thinking, and praying about my life, my friends and my future and trying to do the best that I can and be okay with that.

Clearly not everything will be resolved tonight...or tomorrow. But my logic homework needs to be solved by tomorrow...

Until next time.

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